Autophobia…

I started blogging so I could have a place to share my thoughts/experiences since YouTube wasn’t cutting it; but I’ve never really taken it as deeply as I want it to go. I want to be able to bare my soul with you all and I haven’t been allowing myself to do that for some reason.

I wrote this, along with several other tweets a day or so ago- just pouring my thoughts out into the universe and it really got me thinking about how personal I’ve been wanting to get with you, my lovely audience, now that I’ve been blogging for a little bit.

I’m not afraid of being rather public with my life here on the internet because for so many years, sharing my feelings with pretty much the entire world acted as a giant support group for me when I felt that I had no one. With being incredibly open for everyone to see, often comes lots of scrutinies- internet trolls and people I’ve known in real life that criticized me for oversharing.

That has never stopped me from continuing what I’ve been doing ever since I started using social media. My philosophy is that I would rather be real, brutally honest and likely to overshare on social media rather than keep it all inside me not only because it helps deepen the relationship that I have with my followers, but it really is a form of therapy for me.

With that being said, I must admit that over the course of the past few days I haven’t been feeling up to par. I ended up having my first emotional breakdown of the year on Friday.

I normally try my hardest to keep any content that has the potential to rather depressing from being created, but I figured that sharing this kind of content helps me come to terms with things and in a way helps to relieve any stress that I may have. Even though this unfortunate event happened a few days ago, I just can’t get it off of my mind, and it has led to a few minor emotional moments following it.

I remember it so clearly, the nightmare of it all. I was in the middle of my art appreciation class (which, by the way, is a HUGE class) when I realized that when I looked around at all my classmates, I felt so incredibly alone and insignificant. This led me to think about other times in my life where I had felt this same way- and it scared me to death.

The more I looked back on past relationships and friendships, the more I came to find that I was really insecure about myself- and I still am. Being alone is one of my greatest fears and I can’t quite pin down why that is. I guess it may have something to do with the fact that everyone around me was constantly surrounded by loving friends and family, people in general.

But still, how could I feel so alone if I’m surrounded by at least one to two hundred other people? Seriously, my art appreciation lecture is HUGE.

Naturally, once I felt a single negative emotion, I began to think of everything else that I saw was wrong or bad in my life.

If you haven’t read my post where I reflect on 2017 as a whole (first of all, click the link and read it) secondly, recall that yours truly has gone through quite a bit of heartbreak within such a short span of time. It’s in moments like these, where I’m experiencing a panic attack, that suddenly remembering all of the heartbreak steers me down the path towards an emotional breakdown.

I felt such a strong urge to just be alone and cry that I ran out of my lecture hall and frantically scurried around campus like a madwoman in hopes of finding a place that wasn’t being occupied by human beings. It took me about 10 minutes before I sat down in a secluded, forested area near one of the many ponds on campus.

It takes a lot of emotional baggage to pile up in order for me to cry. This time around, I didn’t cry as much as I had during past breakdowns, but I had never felt so out of control in my entire life. I couldn’t keep still, even if I sat down. The more I panicked- thinking about how a lot of my friendships and relationships had turned into failures, the more my fingers would tremble. I couldn’t think clearly, nor could I breathe properly. I was hyperventilating and crying uncontrollably in the middle of nowhere at half past noon, reminding myself of how I would put my all into relationships of any kind, and then get nothing in return.

I thought about how stupid I was for giving my all to someone who wouldn’t even do the same for me (this happened way too often in the past few years). I consider myself an extremely loyal person- if I truly care about someone, I am willing to drop anything in my power to come help them. But naturally, whenever I’m in need of receiving help from the person I’ve so quickly left everything behind for, they never reached out to me no matter how many times I would call upon them, nor would they try to help me the way I had done for them. I thought about the unfairness of it all- why I even bothered to reach out to others if I was going to be the only one devoting all their time and energy to the relationship.

I hadn’t felt this terrified of being alone in such a long time that it brought back said fear. Being alone is my biggest fear, probably because I’ve seen so many people in my life surrounded by groups of friends, family, and lovers; whereas I can’t even maintain a friendship with most people for over a year (not counting the one person from high school that I still constantly talk to). It’s something that I have trouble explaining, but hopefully, as time goes on, I will maybe be able to talk about it in full with you all.

Autophobia, also called monophobiaisolophobia, or eremophobia, is the specific phobia of isolation; a morbid fear of being egotistical, or a dread of being alone or isolated. Sufferers need not be physically alone, but just to believe that they are being ignored or unloved.

(via Wikipedia)

I just want to take this quick moment to thank you, a reader, a follower of mine, perhaps even a stranger that just so happened to come across my blog- for giving me a platform and an audience to vent to. I have always tried to be open with all of you when it comes to personal struggles, to prove to not only you but to myself that I am in fact a human with flaws and down moments. Your tremendous support across all of my platforms means the absolute world; I am so lucky to have such a positive follower base that’s always there to hear me out when I’m having a rough time. Thank you guys again…

Follow your dreams (and me too, please!)

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3 thoughts on “Autophobia…

  1. Jamie L Reinhart says:

    Relationships and friendships will come and go and there is nothing wrong with putting in your all. If they are meant to be, they will stick. What’s important is that the times when you feel alone is to put your all into the relationship with YOURSELF and learn to make yourself happy and find things you like to do without being reliant on someone else.

    Like

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