Over the past two or three months, a lot has been on my mind. There are a few things that I cannot talk about on the Internet just yet, which honestly really frustrates me because it’s part of the reason why I ( for a lack of better wording) have felt like complete and utter shit.
There’s been a lot of good happening in my life during this time and it kills me inside to know I’m unable to only focus on the good. It deeply upsets me that I feel like I don’t have a platform where I can be 100 percent myself because social media is all about showcasing the positivity in your life. I’ve had people say it to my face whenever I do post about my bad days-
“Aliece, I do want to support your content, but you need to start being more positive.”
“I skip past your stories when you’re being negative”
Believe me, I understand that we need to do everything in our power to surround ourselves with what little good is left in this world. But to only focus on that and not acknowledge that yes, everyone has shitty days- I think that it’s rather unrealistic.
I’ve been avoiding writing on this and just writing blog posts in general for a decent amount of time now. It’s not the typical writer’s block that I experience either. I have so much to write about but I keep holding it back because I don’t just want to be that one girl complaining on the web. So instead, I kind of went MIA on the whole blogging thing and solely focused on Instagram for a bit.
Now that the Instagram algorithm seems to change every other week or so, resulting in a tremendous drop in my engagement, it’s become really difficult for me to grow my page. This, not going to lie, shouldn’t get me as upset as it has been. But for someone who low-key (okay, high-key) wants to make social media/blogging/influencing a bigger part of their life rather than just some side job, I think I have some right to be upset by this.
Aside from that, I have never felt so mentally drained in my entire life as I have been lately. To distract myself from thinking too much about everything that has been making me an emotional wreck, I tried to focus more on school and pick up more shifts at work. Unfortunately, I think that’s only added to the chaos.
I will say that while some days of mine are better than others, I have a rather solid support system consisting of friends, family and of course, all of you lovely Internet people- who help me get through it, day by day. I feel like nowadays the conversation surrounding anxiety, and to an extent, depression, is more open than it was years ago. But that doesn’t stop it from happening. Life has been and will always be somewhat overwhelming and I have yet to find a way to manage my anxiety better.
I think just trying to take things one day at a time will be most effective for me, but it it challenging since being a student you have to prepare for future exam dates. Or as a blogger/microinfluencer that has started working with more brands, you have to create content and post it by a specific date or else you risk losing a potential business relationship. (It’s not fun to have brands breathing down your neck, especially when you’re aware that you’ve been procrastinating making content.)
Long story short:
I am very, very overwhelmed.
I need to continue to take time to figure out how to cope with it all, which often means taking breaks from writing blog posts. While I do appreciate the opportunities that I’ve received because of it, this side hustle of sorts does add to my already preexisting anxiety. I’m not quite sure why, but it’s easier for me to take breaks from this rather than take time off from school or work. That’s just how I think about it, I guess.
Again, I’m sorry to the few of you that actually look forward to reading my posts once they’re published- I know it’s been some time. Hopefully you all understand.
I can’t promise that I’m going to be consistent with posting from here on out, but it is nice to have a place to turn to and vent. (That, and the sound of constant typing just really relaxes me for some reason.) Not one hundred percent sure how to end this big ol’ ramble of mine but just know that I do appreciate your patience and constant support