Before I get into telling you guys more about my journey with my mental health and well-being, I really want to thank each and every one of you who’ve read my last post.
I received so much positive, uplifting feedback via my comments section as well as any of my direct messaging functions on all of my social platforms. That piece was so difficult to write, and for a magazine to decline that submission broke my heart, but your amazing feedback made me realize why I love doing this- to connect with you and not feel so alone.
I had no idea that people would be so interested and in a sense, validated by me coming clean about my struggles with mental health. So while writing about new products and fun trips I’ve been on is cool and all, I want to continue to maintain this transparency and openness about my feelings with you all, since I really have felt so connected to all of you lovely internet people because of it.
Lately, I’ve been finding myself interested in spirituality and the natural world. It has always been hard for me to identify with a major organized religion such as Christianity, but I believe that there is a force (whether or not you want to personify it is your decision, even though I respectfully disagree) that is bigger than we are.
One aspect of this that I’ve found myself really fascinated by is that of the stars and skies. I’ve always been into astrology, but once I started diving deeper into the significances of planet placements, retrogrades (heads up, not all of them are as bad as Mercury Retrograde) and such, I began to realize that an upcoming lunar eclipse (which is occurring on the 20th of January, by the way) correlated with some of the ways that I had been feeling.
Before really doing my research, I felt heavy, exhausted and just drained mentally and physically. I was letting my sadness and to some extent, anger and confusion about events that happened in my past get to me. I had no idea that what I really needed was some clarity about moments in the past.
I began to communicate with my father more, simply because I find it easier to vent to him (sorry mom). And my latest journey to make myself the best person that I can be had begun.
I would consider myself one who heavily dwells on the negative side of things, especially when it comes to memories of the past. My dad wasn’t a huge part of my life until about a year or so ago, so I would always blame my bad qualities and tendencies on the lack of a relationship between us. Not having my dad around for reasons that I am just now learning, made it really difficult for me to value and positively view any kind of relationship, but especially romantic ones.
I let the past get in the way of the wonderful relationship I have with my current boyfriend, which led to lots of disagreements and me never being able to admit that I was wrong because god forbid, men would ever make any sense.
During this time, I was also dealing with facing my fear of an inevitable part of the human experience: death.
A lot of my dreams would focus around it, causing me to be completely terrified of the finality of it all. I couldn’t, and for the sake of my mental health, still can’t watch anything that involves death, hence my recent binging of Keeping up with the Kardashians.
Between these two struggles, mixed with the occasional dose of self-doubt, my body and my mind were so incredibly exhausted, I HAD to take time out every day to rest. So I did. For the next week, after classes, work and any assignments I had to do, I would allow myself to just lay in bed, watch the next episode of KUWTK and process what was troubling my mind.
During my period of rest, I looked to Audrey Kitching’s Twitter as a source of knowledge on all things eclipses and astrological. It was really weird for me to see how the things that were happening to me, she had predicted thanks to the upcoming eclipse.
My body is still dealing with some clearing, as I’m now starting to venture into the realm of past romantic relationships. The amount of times I’ve seen an ex in a dream the past week has been eerily too much for me to count. Funnily enough, the dreams all center around moving on and rebuilding friendships with some of these people.
The more I started to hone in where all of my fearful and painful energy was sourced from, the more clarity I had. Yesterday morning was the first time I had woken up with a spring in my step for weeks! I took the initiative to rejoice in this newfound clarity, signifying that I was ready to move on from the pain that was my past, to start building and strengthening previously broken and/or existing relationships.
I sent massive apology messages to my Mom, Dad, Boyfriend and Best Friend. Each had a different variation of the same topic:
I apologize for letting the past affect what is happening in the present.
I was consumed by unhealthy thoughts and judgements and I am now ready to move forward and make our relationship stronger than ever.
And with that, I feel as if a giant weight has been removed from my life. I’m ready to start making these improvements in my life, plus I am excited to see what changes lie ahead.